When Birth Plans Don’t Go According to Plan: Reclaiming Choice over Control
I co-teach a six-week Childbirth Education Class. And something I’ve noticed again and again is this:
Most people come in with a secret agenda— without realizing it.
They want to learn how to make sure their birth goes according to plan.
They want to be in control.
This desire makes so much sense. For many, it’s fueled by two powerful forces:
Fear—of pain, of trauma, of loss
And deeply ingrained, often invisible, beliefs about how we “should” give birth
To truly prepare for birth, we have to be honest about something most of us would rather avoid:
Birth is unpredictable. It’s not something we can control.
And how a birth unfolds doesn’t say anything about your strength, your resilience, your intuition, your preparation, your womanhood, your motherhood, or your worth.
It simply speaks to the wild, sacred, and often unplannable nature of childbirth that is innate no matter how it happens.
But that doesn’t mean we’re powerless.
It means that real preparation isn’t about mastering control—it’s about expanding our capacity for choice.
And this is what childbirth education and “birth plans” are really for.
Not to hand you a script or help you align with a particular philosophy.
Not to help you “pick a side” between home births or hospital births.
Not to persuade you to make a final decision between “natural” birth, medicated birth, or intervention-heavy models
And not to sort options into “good” or “bad,” “natural” or “unnatural.”
But to help you loosen the grip of rigid belief systems.
To help you understand your options—and when, how, and why you might want to change them.
To give you language and tools so you can meet whatever unfolds with more resourcing, more flexibility, more confidence, and more support.
Ultimately, to give you more informed, empowered capacity for choice.
When we understand this, the landscape of birth shifts. And, evidence shows that the outcomes actually improve.
((((Incase you need a more direct way of taking this in, here’s another way of saying this: when we actually give ourselves permission to drop the rigid “shoulding” around childbirth, we have safer, more connected birthing experiences!!!!)))))))
We’re no longer trying to utilize birth to prove ourselves or achieve an ideal. Instead, we’re cultivating the internal and external support that allows us to stay connected to ourselves and our baby—no matter what path labor takes.
In this model, every comfort measure, every intervention, every decision becomes just that: a tool. Not a moral choice. Not a statement about your strength, character, capability, or intuition. Just one of many options you can draw from depending on what your body and baby need in the moment.
Real choice isn’t about doing it the “right” way.
It’s about having the capacity to respond with flexibility.
And that is what prevents birth trauma—not the avoidance of intervention, but the presence of agency.
That capacity—the ability to stay present and resourced even when plans shift—isn’t just a sign of a well-prepared birth.
It’s a sign of a supported, regulated nervous system.
And that is what leads to safer, more empowered birth outcomes—no matter how your baby is born.
So let’s say this clearly:
No way of birthing is “easier,” “more sacred,” or “more right” than another.
You are allowed to choose the tools and interventions that support your safety and wellbeing
You are allowed to change your mind at any point
You are allowed to ask for something different.
You are even allowed—when needed—to say no to what’s recommended
Centering choice in birth planning isn’t about finding the “right” way to give birth or guaranteeing a specific outcome.
It’s about staying connected—to yourself, to your baby, and to your evolving needs—as the experience unfolds.
And if you were able to stay present, adapt, and make choices in real time, even if the plan didn’t go according to plan—that is the sign of a healthy birth, not a failed one.
